Why Am I So Defensive?
Taking a poll: what’s your least favorite way someone can respond to you expressing hurt feelings?
Mine’s easy: defensiveness.
Questioning my interpretation: That’s not how I said it.
Explaining their intent: I was just trying to help.
Justifying their actions: I only did that because of what you said to me earlier.
When we take the risk to invite someone to witness and engage with our experience, defensive responses land as an immediate and firm “no.” It takes the pain we already felt and doubles it.
In fact, The Gottmans consider it one of The Four Horsemen - behaviors that erode relational safety.
This pattern doesn’t only plague romantic relationships, but friendships and parent-child relationships, too.
So, why do those who care about us respond with it?
More honestly, why do we ourselves respond with it?
Why do I?
My Own experience
In the early years of my marriage, I was caught in a frustrating, painful pattern of defensiveness.
Something would happen. She would share with me how it impacted her. I’d feel misunderstood. I’d defend my actions via explaining my good intentions. She’d feel shut down. I’d feel ashamed.
Around and around we’d go. Of course, it didn’t encourage her to bring her concerns to me - the very thing I was afraid of.
My resolutions to “do better next time” often fell flat, marred by a nervous system that I didn’t know how to regulate, and feelings I didn’t have words for.
I resented this defensive part of me, and that hatred left no space to understand it.
It wasn’t until I began to get curious that something changed.
the shift
With the help of a therapist, I began to slow these moments down and see myself more clearly.
I was feeling guilty - I’d done something that landed poorly with someone I loved.
I was feeling misunderstood – the gap between my intent and impact felt a million miles wide.
I was feeling afraid - my body sensed the disconnect and wanted to close the distance.
I began to understand that my defensive responses – my explanations, my reasoning – were (very) sideways attempts to bring back my relationship to a more secure place.
At a basic level, my body sensed danger: your partner’s upset with you.
I then relied on defensiveness to try to get to safety: if she sees your heart, and knows what you meant or intended, she’ll understand and you two will be okay.
Understanding this in no way justified my defensiveness; it merely helped me make sense of it.
going deeper
Here are three questions I began to explore, and my own answers as examples:
What am I feeling in the moments before I defend or explain myself? I feel tense, a tightness in my chest. It feels like fear and anxiety.
What am I hoping defensiveness is going to make happen or accomplish? I’m hoping explaining or justifying myself will preserve my partner’s view of me. I hope that if she can understand where I was coming from, then we can get back to closeness.
What am I afraid might happen if I don’t defend or explain myself? If I don’t explain myself, I’m afraid that her view of me will be irreparably broken, and if she doesn’t see me as good, what hope is there?
Take a second and think about these questions for yourself. Notice what comes up.
For me, clarity helped me realize the futility of what I was doing, and created space to talk about the pattern.
Even with this awareness, I still needed help to do things differently.
practices to help
For most of us, being able to receive and take in how we’ve hurt someone else - and avoiding our impulses to defend when they do - takes work. A lot of it.
Here are a few practices to help when responding:
Breathe and Pause: Hearing how we’ve hurt someone is dysregulating. Before responding, take a few slow breaths.
Name the Impulse: Notice what your impulse is to say or do right away. It might even help to say out loud, “I’m wanting to explain myself right now, but I want to stay with you here. Give me just a second.”
Mirror: See if you can take what they shared and reflect back what you heard. “So, it sounds like you felt ignored when I came home and didn’t hug you. Is that right?”
Get Curious: Keep the focus on them. Ask open-ended questions to better understand their experience.
Validate and Take Responsibility: At its core, emotional validation sounds like: “That makes sense to me that you felt that way.” Taking responsibility means naming what happened and owning the impact of our behaviors – even when we didn’t intend it.
Wait on Explaining: Instead of jumping into explaining yourself or motives, once you’ve fully heard them, ask the other person if it would be okay if you let them in on understanding what was going on in you. It’s okay for you to want to be understood, but at the right time.
customer service and loving well
Therapist Terry Real says, “When someone comes to you with an issue, you’re at the customer service window, and your focus should be entirely on them.”
The next time you find yourself at the customer service window, remember: the more aware we are of our own stuff happening in these moments, the better we’ll be at keeping our focus on those we love.
It’s hard work, and your relationship is well worth it.